1: I have cut my hair
2: My handicap parking badge has expired
One of these things is simply good news, the other is a slightly traumatic change. Can you guess which? Aaaaaaahhhhh... OK so I don't feel ready to give up my handicap parking badge! It sucks!!! For ten years I have had this magic blue card that lets me pass through the super expensive toll booths around Oslo without paying, and to park anywhere downtown in ALL European cities... for FREE?!!
But... I can walk now... I'm not in a wheelchair anymore. I am able to live an almost normal life today so technically I don't deserve to have a handicap parking sign anymore.
I'm not sick enough.
I wouldn't feel comfortable applying for a new blue badge, it would feel like I'm milking the system.
I want you to know I've been preparing myself for this day for many years, I know it's part of my de-victimization process, and it is NOT easy! It feels like I can't get well if I keep focusing on my limitations and keep relying on my identity as handicapped or disabled. I simply have to remove that badge from my windshield AND from my personality... and move on... and define my new and healthy identity... whatever that is?
De-victimating yourself is important, but very difficult.
ReplyDeleteMe, I didn't even realise I was victimising myself for a very long time. And I am still in the process of doing so. De-vicimising myself that is. It's hard once you've grown acustomed to it! Because you genuinely think you ARE a victim!
What exactly has been your process Anna?
yes, this is a really difficult subject to get into, because of course in one perspective we ARE victims, and are entitled to feel that way too. But I realized that in certain situations I was holding my health problems as a shield and hiding behind them... and it was making me smaller. So I gradually began experimenting with letting go of my identity as a passive patient, and started searching for environments where my health problems were not an issue and I could feel healthy and "whole"... building a new identity from those experiences is a long process, but at least I've begun, and as some wise chines guy once said, "A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step"
ReplyDelete